I was a happy child but I still tended to have low moments. I pre warn readers that I describe some dark aspects of growing up knowing that I was adopted. I may rub some people the wrong way so I apologize in advance for exposing the harsh truths. This is based off of my own experiences and not everyone else is the same. I am being very honest with readers because there are so many families like my own who are struggling with random mood disorders developing in adult years. Some people are accepting of their adoptions and others, like myself, battle demons.
I felt like an outsider looking in most of the time. It was nothing my Canadian family was doing wrong but I could not help feeling alone. I was given such an amazing life and my adoptive parents have always loved me to the maximum capacity, but I just couldn’t really feel the connection the older I got. There were good moments and bad moments throughout my life where I battled depression from being adopted. Not to mention kids in town were mean at times. I remember an incident in grade 5 where one of my classmates told me that “my mother never loved me so that’s why she gave me up”. At that age it really hurt my feelings and has stayed in my memories forever.
Despite being blessed with a loving family who gave me everything I just didn’t feel whole. I felt a void inside. I feel guilty being so honest because it makes me sound ungrateful. But this is the ugly side of adoption that people need to know. There is no easy way of dealing with it and I do not know how to make the pain go away. Some people can come to terms with it and bottle up the feelings, but I could not. From the day I entered grade school I went to a therapist to help deal with being adopted. In some cases, it felt like you are trying too hard to feel loved, and to feel anything in general. After a while I became numb.
I fell heavily into depression after high school because the older I got the more I wanted to know the truth. I pushed a lot of people away and I had a lot of self-esteem issues. I battled through many drug trials for anti-depression medication. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Syndrome, ADHD, a bit of short term memory loss, insomnia, anxiety disorder, and PTSD. There were incredibly low moments where I questioned being alive because I felt so alone. I am so appreciative of my Canadian family more now than I have ever been before. Knowing what they went through and the few times my parents rushed to my side when I attempted to end my life. I felt ungrateful for the life I was given because the family I have is incredible. There is unconditional love from all over. But, I still felt like I was faking it. Like I am a stand in for a television show.
I was depressed because I felt bad for not feeling a connection. But, knowing what my biological family went through gives me a whole new appreciation for my adoptive family. I appreciate every second of every moment they were there for me. Through the lows and the highs. All the years of trying to keep me happy and healthy. The trips to the councillor because I would act out as a child. Giving me the opportunity to play music because it was an outlet for my emotions. The things my mom and dad had to deal with in my early adult years. The prescription pills, the drugs, the booze and the suicide attempts. My questioning who I am and toying with the idea of taking my life that I had been so graciously been given.
I was about 22 years old when I knew I had to eventually come to terms with being adopted and abandoned at the hospital. I had to realize that not everyone gets a happy ending and I will just have to figure out other ways to make me happy to fill this void like sports and art.
February 3, 2012 my nephew Nolan was born and it brought so much joy to my life. I snuck into the hospital the day after he was born and held him in my arms. It felt like nothing else could be more beautiful than a new born baby being welcomed into the world. Every movement is exciting because it has not been discovered yet. From that moment I felt I needed to come to terms with my past and to be ever so grateful to be a part of this beautiful moment that is the birth of my nephew Nolan. It was only recently that I felt a need to search again.
I felt like my life was incomplete, not knowing the truth. I know it is hard for some adoptive families to take this step with their child because it can be a dangerous one. But in all honesty, coming from a Romanian Adoptee, it is sometimes for the best knowing where we came from. It could be a bad experience but at least they know the truth. It is hard for some of us to talk about and I admire those who can bottle up the feelings and accept their past. I used to envy those people but I feel so much better now. Knowing the truth about where I came from gives me a whole new appreciation for life and the Canadian family I was lucky enough to of been adopted into. I feel like I can finally move on with my life and be the happy person I once was.