I have kept a journal on and off since I was in grade five. My grandfather, Pop, always told me to write it down. It was some of the best advice I ever got from my Grandfather, before he passed away in 1998. It is an outlet that helped me cope with some of the battles that I faced in my adult years. I always find different outlets for my emotions, and one thing that really helped was “to write it down”.
When I was adopted my parents were told that I could have a likelihood to have some problems in my adult years. Like being stable on my own. I am sure some families can relate to this. But, I worked full time for seven years at a few places, and I lived away from home during those seven years. I attempted University and have half a degree in Performance – Acting. It became too difficult to work full time and focus on school. I did have one serious low moment in life where I was placed on anti-depressants which only made it worst for me. I had to live with my parents for six months while I went through this low period. In the end I am not on anything and I am a lot better. I don’t think I have a medical condition… I think it was feelings of abandonment that really started to sink in.
I am single. It is because I did not know how to love myself, until now. For the first time in my life I see such beautiful women who look so much like myself, and I truly believe I am beautiful. Because I see it. I know if this life event did not happen there are other ways to get to this point, but it would take a lot longer and more therapy expenses. I can’t say that my depression is fully gone because everyone has some sort of depression regarding other life dramas. It does feel good to patch this whole.
I found an entry in my journal from July 2013. This was prior to finding my birth family. Reading the sadness and the desperation and longing to be loved was overwhelming. I felt like I was reading about someone else’s battle. I wanted to hold this person and tell them they were going to be alright. It was sad to see the emotions I was releasing at that time. I will share a little piece with you.
“I feel like Jobe. God took everything from him but he still praised his name. I was born in Romania in 1989. This was during the revolution against Ceausescu. My birth parents left me which began the feelings of neglect & abandonment. As a child I feared being forgotten or left behind. I was left in a crib for days at a time without food or attention. When I arrived in Canada at a year old, I was 13lbs. A new born is usually 21lbs – 25lbs. From the day I arrived I was out-casted because I have always been different. I am weird, and not in a cute way. I am the type of girl no guy wants to date. I don’t know if I am pretty because I don’t feel pretty.” – July 2013.
I don’t recognize this person today. At the time I was hurt and heartbroken because I chose to be with the wrong guy. This is far behind me now. This journey is going to change my life forever and when I read things like this, and then I think of the times I tried to take my life, I just sigh and shake my head… It is a grim past but I got through it. I realize my biological family have been handed back to me so I cannot take this for granted. I feel foolish for wishing my life to be over because I got what I wanted in the end. Two great families who love me. That is all anyone could ever ask for.
I look at this experience as a gift. In which I feel so humble to accept.